The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize