3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
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so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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