He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
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Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
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I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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