got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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