You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize