We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
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