then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
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Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
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i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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