All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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