I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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