I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize