Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
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I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
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All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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