Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
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That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
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…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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