i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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