My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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