If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
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putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
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Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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