Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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