Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize