when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I am midnight drunk by noon
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize