In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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