I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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