i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
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He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
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Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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