Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
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While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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