God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Everclear isn't food dammit
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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