I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize