i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
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I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
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Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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