Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize