someone owes me an orgasm
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
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he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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