I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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