I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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