Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
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Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
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I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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