We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
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He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
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I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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