Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
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He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
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I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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