i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
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Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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