We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
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Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
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Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
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