i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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