Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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