He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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