i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
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You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
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I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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