You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
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we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
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Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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