The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
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You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Dick very happy bro
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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