I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
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I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
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Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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