Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
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why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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