Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
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I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
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You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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