I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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