Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
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I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
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This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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