I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize