my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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