This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
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yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
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Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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