I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
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Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
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It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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