The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
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There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
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Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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